


Rumours of our Infidelity are Greatly Exaggerated

by LassieLowrider



Series: Richelle Hammond (the F!Richard epic) [1]
Category: Graham Norton Show, The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Cisswap, F/M, Female!Richard Hammond, Gen, Humour, Top Gear Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 14:04:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11209590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LassieLowrider/pseuds/LassieLowrider
Summary: Clarkson shrugged, grinning cheekily while Richelle rolled her eyes at him, muttering under her breath about 'little boys and their toys’; May lounged back in his corner of the sofa, looking indecently at home. Graham felt it a shame that the man was straight as a ruler.





	Rumours of our Infidelity are Greatly Exaggerated

**Author's Note:**

> This is an entirely fictional story, that just so happens to be about people that technically aren’t. DL:DR.
> 
> If you haven't read the tags: this works contains what's colloquially known as a _cisswap_ or a _genderbend_ of one of the major characters: Richard, now Richelle, Hammond.

"Here tonight! The Top Gear trio, telling all about living in each other's pockets, life-changing decisions as well as about keeping relationships going, despite long absences and infidelity rumours!" Graham was genuinely pleased to have the three on his show, even if it had been a request from Richelle and not his idea. He'd always had a soft spot for the younger woman, ever since working together on radio in the very early '90's. And honestly, the promise of a tell-all, including a reveal who the mysterious husband was, well, that was too much for him to pass up.

The trio entered the studio, waving at the audience, all three of them dressed to the nines; Clarkson and May had put on suits, but what really shocked was the sight of Richelle in a dress, a dress which let everyone knew - in no uncertain terms - that Richelle Hammond was all woman. Graham was really surprised to see her in a dress - he'd known her for going on three decades, and this was the first time he ever saw her in anything but trousers. Even for awards ceremonies she usually wore a suit, matching the other two perfectly. There were theories in the fanbase, he knew, that the three all desperately wanted to play James Bond, a theory that was only reinforced by the fact that all three usually drank martinis.

No, that night there was no doubt in anyone watching's mind; Richelle Hammond was all woman - and what a woman! - especially not with the way she _slunk_ towards Graham, going in for a hug and cheek kisses. He was surprised to notice she even had a couple of inches on him, the killer heels she was wearing adding four or five of them. He was sure, however, it wasn't only his keen eyes that noticed that Clarkson was wearing a tie that perfectly matched Richelle's dress in colour. He really hoped they knew what they were doing, because no matter what they'd say that night, a statement like that would only blow more fire into the infidelity rumours.

"Looking lovely as ever, Rich." She let him go, turning on her heel and sashaying over to sit between the other two men; he sank down into his customary armchair. It would never cease to amuse him how a woman that was so much larger than life, which Richelle Hammond _was_ , could be so physically dwarfed by two men, and not seem in any way discomfited by it. And the two men _were_ large, no doubt about it; even if James May didn't really look it while next to Jeremy Clarkson, on his own he was impressively broad in the shoulders, and a good half-a-foot taller than Graham himself. Clarkson however, well, Graham challenged anyone to not feel dwarfed by the man; he was big, broad and bulky, with a presence to match. Graham wasn't used to being the least noticeable person in a room, not even now, with superstars as regular guests on his talkshow.

"Of course, Graham darling, you're looking much better than last I saw you. That young man of yours feeding you properly, then?" Richelle cheeked back at him, Graham surprised to feel himself blushing. These three, however... they all had a presence about them, an impression of 'larger than life', and they each built off of each other, resonating and bouncing and growing impossibly bigger still. Graham felt small, and almost boring, in comparison.

"Now, now, we're not here to talk about me, we're here to talk about you three! First of all, thank you all so much for coming," he said, wanting to get things moving - no matter what he may claim, he did properly love a juicy piece of gossip, and the relationships of the Top Gear trio most certainly was at that. The three nodded graciously at him, lounging back in the sofa as if they were all at home, relaxing, instead of in a TV-studio in front of a live audience, recording a show that would be seen by millions of viewers - then again, what with having 350 million viewers every week, he reckoned they had learnt to ignore the pressure. "What's it like? Working together - and regularly living in very close quarters - for a decade? How do you survive?"

"Has it been a decade already? Bloody nora, so it has... By now, we're so desensitised to each other, probably." To most of everyone's surprise, it was May who took it upon himself to answer the question. "We've started thinking of each other as furniture or something. You know, something you see every day so you don't even notice it anymore. Like a book case. You'd notice if it was gone, but you no longer notice it being there. Of course, I have the rare problem of the furniture talking back, but I guess you have to sacrifice something for having ones that can drive..." His tone was sardonic, but the way Richelle laughed was completely genuine and cheerful.

"May is, without a doubt, completely correct. God knows I consider this lout - " here, she motioned to Clarkson, who put on a mock-affronted face, " - something of a vaguely interfering coat rack, but we _have_ worked together for a bit over two decades, instead of the one I've had to suffer May's company. Who knows, when I've known May for two decades, I might even consider him something approaching favourable: a bureau, maybe." The three men all laughed, the audience's cheering and applause almost drowning them out but not dragging any attention from the almost dangerous smirk Richelle was wearing. Graham had a foreboding feeling she was, during the night, going to say something that would truly put a fox amongst the hens. God, he looked forward to it.

"Wait, two decades?" Graham managed to interject, between laughter and one of the others picking up the thread of the conversation. This time, it was Clarkson who answered, effortlessly grabbing the reins.

"Oh yes, I've had that hanger-on since 1991. It went something like this: Andy hit her with his car, I was hungover in the backseat, and while she wasn't hurt, she proceeded to have a terrible go at both Andy and me. I was so impressed with her vocabulary, I offered to buy her coffee as reparations for the crash, and then offered to hire her on as a script writer for old Top Gear when I heard she'd missed the interview for a job at AutoCar." Clarkson shrugged, grinning cheekily while Richelle rolled her eyes at him, muttering under her breath about 'little boys and their toys'; May lounged back in his corner of the sofa, looking indecently at home. Graham felt it a shame that the man was straight as a ruler.

"AutoCar? You've always been interested in cars, then, Richelle? Can't say I remember noticing that while working radio with you!" Both Graham and Clarkson burst out laughing when Richelle blushed becomingly, May keeping silent and smirking.

"Well, see, my father wanted a son who he could teach all of this to." She shrugged. "When my mum had me, he decided something akin to 'eh, she'll do', and taught me everything he knew from a very young age. When they later had my brothers, dad was all set on teaching them everything too - however, they had _no interest whatsoever_ in learning about cars; subsequently, from the Hammond household have sprung a chef, a nurse and a motor journalist." They chatted awhile, Graham steering the subject slightly but the three were very good at keeping it on track; they managed to get through almost everything he had thought about bringing up, leaving only one thing - the infidelity rumours, the best way of closing the show.

"Now, I understand that you two - " he motioned to Jeremy (when had he started thinking of him like that?) and Richelle " - have spouses since - quite some time, really, and that you - " the same motion, towards James (oh, he might as well resign himself to first-name basis with them all) "- have a steady girlfriend of several years. Is that correct?" They all nodded, smirking at him. He had a feeling he would like whatever bombshell that would be dropped during this segment. "How's that work, then? I mean, the tabloids have been ripe with speculation regarding infidelity - especially around you, Richelle - during the decade you've all been in the public's eye. I can't imagine that your significant others are very happy with it, what with long absences and trips abroad together." Jeremy and Richelle leaned back, quite clearly signalling that this was James' turn to field first. Graham was sure that even the audience had noticed something, because there was a tense silence in the studio, a silence that only became tenser still as James took the floor first.

"Sarah and I, we've been going steady for most of the past decade, actually, and she's great with it. She trusts me, and she trusts Rich just as much - it was Rich who introduced us, for God's sake. The allegation that I would be cheating on Sarah with Rich - or Rich on her husband with me - are just plain ridiculous, but let's let her tell us that, yeah?" James grinned, a wide, cheerful thing that could almost be called foolish. Richelle leaned forward to take a drink of water, and Graham was sure he didn't imagine the way Jeremy's eyes swept her figure. Not that he could blame him, had Graham been even remotely interested in women he would likely have had his eyes plastered to the decolletage that was on prominent display when Richelle bent forward like that, but maybe it wasn't the best thing to show such blatant interest when they were trying to put a stop to the rumours.

"My husband and I, we've never really had one of those proper, 'this might be it' fights. We've been married two decades, come October, and the only time I've felt a bit worried about the continuation of our marriage was when he came home and found me in bed with his best friend." The whole audience gasped, as if on cue, and Richelle looked out over the small sea of people, letting the suspension build. "Yeah, he found me in bed with the dog." The whole studio let out a relieved breath, laughing. That wasn't so bad, Graham wondered, so what was going to be the shocker? Because if Graham knew Richelle at all, then the mischievous glint in her eyes meant nothing good for any of them.

"Well, what was I supposed to think? You sure looked more interested in cuddling him than me!" Jeremy said, the same mock-affronted look as before gracing his face. Graham was shocked speechless, and looking out over the audience, he could see they all were the same. James May, the bastard - charitably put, Graham felt - simply looked smug.

"He doesn't snore! At least not like a rhinoceros with clogged sinuses, which you do, I might add, _dear_." Jeremy and Richelle descended into squabble, the same kind of bickering that almost any couple developed after a few years together, the kind where they cheerfully pricked holes in each other's ego. Graham was still very much speechless.

Jeremy and Richelle were also rendered speechless, however, when first one by one, and then small groups, of the audience stood up, clapping; Graham had a feeling this was the first time news of a two-decade old marriage actually heralded standing ovations.

Graham looked around, and decided to grab the chance when the camera was pointed his way. He shook his head, a small but fond smile on his face.

"And on that bombshell... Thank you for watching, good night!"

**Author's Note:**

> I exist over at [Grand-Tourers](http://grand-tourers.tumblr.com)!


End file.
